For The Joy And Pain Of It

This year has been rather strange for me, thus far. Some things have gone right, some things wrong and a lot of in-between. It has also been a period of reflection and deep introspection.

I’ve considered many facets of my life: professional, personal, family, hobbies, etc. I figuratively-speaking sat down and thought:

 Am I happy doing X?    
  If so, do I have an end-game plan Y? 
      If so, am I in the path to Y?
      If not, do I need an end-game plan or do I need to change paths?
  If not, why am I doing X?

Obviously most things in life are rarely one-dimensional, deterministic, and clear-cut, but although the algorithm above is highly simplified, it is an illustrative conceptual model and of my thought process. While Utilitarian or even hedonistic at first glance, it really is much deeper and about seeking a more fulfilling and meaningful existence. Some of the inner conversations have made me really uncomfortable, but are conversations that needed to be had. Some of the inner dialogues were nice and pleasant to have as well. As a result of some of these, I’ve already begun to take measures towards either fixing things, moving on or foment what I’m doing.

I foresee a lot of changes in my life in the coming months. Many of these changes are minor having very little side effects outside my own head, a few major ones with repercussions in several aspects of my life and a handful somewhere in the middle.

But, the whole point of it, the joy of it, the pain of it and everything in between is because I don’t want be passive and let things happen. I can’t let the probervial sail boat be aimlessly adrift or hoping a favorable current takes it where it wants to go. I will steer it to fair seas and open horizons, where I want to go, where I want to be, where I will be.